Five Steps to Reignite Your Marriage

Five Steps to Reignite Your Marriage

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Ok so yes, I KNOW that there are like 5 million articles on the internet about how to refuel and recharge your marriage. I know that they are out there because I’m pretty sure I have read them all. If you caught my last blog post then you are aware of the fact that my marriage has had its fair share of troubles, but I am here to tell you, if my marriage could be resurrected, yours can too! My husband says that there was a time in our marriage when I didn’t even like him, the secret is… I actually agree with him on that (however, I know there were times when I wasn’t likeable either!!) however, the beautiful, awesome thing is that if you were to stop me at Target today and ask me what I feel about my husband I could literally spend hours gushing to you about him. He makes my heart skip a beat, he brings peace to my soul, he is by far my greatest blessing… even after 16 years! It is not always perfect because well, he knows exactly how to press my buttons and grind my nerves, but I am more in love with him than I have ever been. I am going to tell you how you can get those butterflies back, girl.

I promise!

1. Go To Church Together.
This one could be hard to start with, I get it. However, if you have done the steps I told you in the post prior to this one, you will be well on your way to this! It is so important to find a church home that you two BOTH enjoy. Maybe you like a small church, maybe he likes a killer praise and worship band… regardless, it is important to look until you find a church that encompasses what each of you need individually so that you can enjoy going together. 

2. Pray together. 
Maybe you don’t know how to pray together. Will it be awkward? It is VERY possible. Will it be short? Probably so in the beginning. What if he won’t pray with you? Pray FOR him and let him know that you are doing that! The cool thing is, God doesn’t care about perfect, he doesn’t expect perfection from you. It’s ok to be a hott mess express because Jesus can see your heart!

3. Do a devotion together. 
THIS IS IMPORTANT! This one step right here will grow your relationship in ways you never imagined. Particularly this book I’m going to post below. This book is incredible because it makes you go to deep places, but yet it also allows you to explore those places in a safe way together and it provides an awesome way to talk to your spouse about those topics that you wouldn’t normally visit. Bonus material right here: before you begin your devotion and prayer time, ask each other what was the high point and low point of the day. So many times our days are so busy that we forget to ask the simple questions and we fail to continue to learn about what is going on in the daily life of our partner. After you ask those questions, read your devotion together and then close your time together in prayer. 

This is the devotional that I highly recommend reading with your spouse.

4. Change your mindset.
Us mamas love our kids, so much in fact that we typically put them above anything and anyone. I’m about to break your heart here girlfriend, but, if you are living a God centered life with a God centered marriage, you’re going to have to do some changing around of your list. After God, He commands us to have our spouse before our children. I KNOW! UM, WHAT!? Clearly God is not a mama! NEWS FLASH, mama! You are correct! Pat yourself on the back sister, because God is our FATHER and thank you, Jesus, for that! Our mama emotions get in the way at times and definitely cloud our judgment which is especially an issue when it comes to who takes the top spot in your life. If you can successfully make this switch it will become so much easier to set specific time aside to connect with your spouse. 

5. Date Your Spouse. 
Did you know there is actually going to be a time when your children don’t need you anymore!? Super sad and awful to think about, I know, but it’s the truth. So what happens then? You’ve spent 18 plus years focusing on them and neglecting the relationship and suddenly you realize that you don’t even know who the man is that you share your home with.  As mamas, we get so focused on our kids that it is, in fact, seriously easy for this to happen, but I am here to tell you, girl, this is BAD. Don’t let the years go by and not focus on your spouse. If you are in a place where things are rocky, it is going to be extremely hard for you to comprehend this, I know it is, because I have been there, but if you are able to have that spiritual shift in your heart, you will embrace this concept! So, date your spouse, sister! It doesn’t have to be anything crazy, maybe even just dinner. Even better, and way more my style, is finding a trashy tv show, letting the DVR record it and then after the kids go to bed cuddle up on the couch with some pizza and watch it together. Some of my favorite moments of the week are the moments I spend playing footsy with my hubs while we watch Floribama Shore or Jersey Shore. 

I’m gonna’ end this with saying the following. 
Is my marriage perfect? Nope, it sure isn’t. However, we have gone through a lot of mess in our 16 years together and hopefully our message can help save you and your spouse from going through waters as dark as the ones that we went through. We love you and we are rooting for you! 
                                                        

  Xoxo, Kinsey

Ps.We have had so much request for more information about how to help marriages that we have put together a passion filled, God led program that will help you rebuild the foundation of your marriage and put you on the path that God intended for you and your partner. Click here for more info.                                                              

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5 Realities that Mama’s Living with Depression Can Relate to:

5 Realities that Mama’s Living with Depression Can Relate to:

Depression has been a struggle of mine since I was well, thirteen years old. I actually lost my brother the Christmas of 2003 and I remember a complete and udder sadness that came over me. Now let me stop you right here, you are probably thinking, well duh anyone would be depressed after losing their brother, but it was not like that. This depression STARTED then and has not ended. Sure, sometimes I am happy, but I am ALWAYS fighting the fight of depression. It is a battle that I have to consciously fight on the daily. Sometimes it even feels impossible to get out of bed. While I still suffer with depression, I am not experiencing the all time lows of this sickness right now, but all these feelings come rushing back when I hear someone say they are struggling and my heart legit aches for anyone who is struggling with this horrible disease.

These are some of the realities I have come to terms with when my sickness is at its worst.

1: BUT I have so much to live for!

Depression is a horrendous sickness that can creep up on anyone at ANY stage of life. No matter if you “have it all” or if you “have nothing”. Depression does not care if you have a nice car or a nice house. It does not care if you have an amazing family and friends. Don’t listen to that voice in your head that is saying that you “should” be happy because everything in your life is perfect. Depression just down right sucks and it can happen to anyone.

2: Can I please take a “nap”?

You cannot wait to jump in the bed and take a “nap.” Girl, I have been there. Not too long ago, I was sleeping ALL THE TIME!!! The “nap” ends up actually lasting 4 or 5 hours and before you know it, you have slept your whole day away. I used to wake up from this “nap” and still feel exhausted. It is seriously like you are just sleeping your life away! You hate yourself for sleeping all the time, but there is no way to stop from sleeping all the time. You know it is not what life is supposed to be like, but you continue to do it anyways.

3. And the Academy Award goes to you

I am probably the best actress of all times. Hell, sometimes I feel I should win an Academy Award for smiling and pretending to have happiness. Girlfriend, if you are struggling with depression, you know what it is like to walk around in public with a fake smile plastered to your face. And as a mama you have to care for ALL THE THINGS, so you have to pretend to be ok. When in reality, you are NOT. I used to pretend so much that I was ok, and when my husband got home, I would immediately say, “I need to go take a bath.” Of course, he would say ok, and off I would go to the bathroom where I would sit in a hot tub of water and cry. Sometimes, I would not even wash my body, I would literally just cry for 30 minutes. Then I would get myself together and put my smile back on so that I could take care of dinner or the baby.

4. PLEASE for the love of God just leave me alone

When depression is at its peak, your friends are pretty much gone. It is not necessarily their choice as much as it is yours. I am not saying that you don’t want to be friends anymore with all your cool mama friends, but you just don’t want anyone to see you the way you are. I know what it is like to sit in a bath but not shower for days. I know what it is like to have gained 20 pounds right after losing 10 pounds and just not want to go anywhere. I know what it is like to feel that talking on the phone to a friend is literally going to leave you feeling exhausted. It is one of the worst feelings in life. And what’s even worse is that eventually your friends think that you do not want to be close anymore, so they leave you alone. You wanted to be left alone right? Well the truth is, you didn’t! But you write it off as that is what’s best and move on feeling even more depressed than before because well no friends stick around.

5. I am so freaking Embarrassed/ Ashamed/ Worthless…

Anyone hear me? Depression is felling all the worst things about yourself. It is feeling like everyone else who knows you or sees you feels the same. Quick story à When Jesse and I were dating in college, I went through a HORRIBLE depression. I mean probably one of my worst episodes. Jesse did not understand. He first of all thought I was LAZY (you know no one likes to be called this). He came in one day and said that I never did anything anymore and I was lazy. WOW that stung. Long story short, I had been being lazy in his eyes, but the reality of the situation was that I had actually not even told him that I was depressed. He did not know that I suffered with severe depression and I was so ashamed. I remember finally opening up to him and he realized that I had a problem. He was there to help me through that darkness (and is still here 10 years later). Moral of the story, people who do not suffer from depression do not get it. It might be embarrassing to talk about, but it is better to explain it to someone rather than hide it. And stop feeling all these things because you are so much more than worthless!!!!

Gosh, I totally did not realize how long this would be. (HAHA) I could keep going…. But seriously depression awareness is a passion of mine. I struggle with it and I have been in pretty dark places before… Tune in next week to see exactly how I FIGHT the FIGHT every day!

XOXO,

Stephanie


5 Steps to Save Your Marriage

5 Steps to Save Your Marriage

Ok, so first of all let me say… I am no expert, but I have been there. I may not have a degree, but I’ve read the self help books, I’ve done the counseling, I’ve done the praying and I have even talked to a divorce attorney. I am here to tell you, I have been to the brink of divorce, but I have also come out on the other side, so take all of this for what you will. Oh and did I mention, I am now completely smitten by my husband… Just saying

Will five steps really save your marriage? Maybe they will, maybe they won’t, but it sure as heck will be a lot better than before you decided to try these five things. I hate reading blogs where it takes a long time to get to the good stuff, so here you go.

Five Steps to Save Your Marriage 

1. You are not number one. 
Do WHAT!? The more we talk, the more you are going to hear me say this.  God didn’t place us on earth for our happiness. Let me say it again for the ones in the back… GOD DID NOT PUT YOU ON EARTH FOR YOUR OWN HAPPINESS! He put you on earth to grow His kingdom and I promise you that He will put you through some hard stuff to bring you to your knees if He has to. (Sorry, I know that was a tangent! I do that sometimes) I spent a lot of years thinking that I was the most important in our relationship, after all, I took care of the house, I was the one who stood by his side, I was the one taking care of the baby… I, I, I, me, me, me. I guess you could say that I started to get resentful and I wanted it to be “my turn” but my turn never came, because news flash sister, number one in your marriage should be GOD. 

2. Stop trying to one up each other.
Oh yeah, you know what I am talking about. That internal dialogue you have with yourself, “ I was up all night with the baby, why does he get to take a nap and not me!” “I made dinner, so he better clean the dishes, but I’m not going to ask him because he should just KNOW that!” I could seriously go on forever. One of you gets mad, then it’s the other’s turn and the cycle just won’t stop. Listen sister, I have been there.  Guess what though, I have some really, super, awesome, exciting news! YOU have the control to stop the cycle. *Insert round of applause here* Yes, I said it. YOU can actually decide to stop it where it is so that there is no more fuel for the fire. I did this once and guess what… game freaking changer. I simply decided to stop it and I decided to start filling up my husbands love tank instead of trying to deplete it, and you can too! The good news is that once you stop thinking that you are number one, your marriage improves. It is actually kind of easy to stop focusing on yourself and start focusing on the happiness of your spouse. I’m not even going to lie though, it can be hard at times.  We are humans and we want to be happy. When someone isn’t doing things that make us happy, it makes us want to shut down, but that is exactly what the devil wants from you, girlfriend! Stop letting him win! Yes, it is HARD, but I’m about to show you how to make it easier. 

3. Let go of the past.
This one isn’t as easy as it sounds, I know that! My husband and I began “dating” (I guess you would call sitting in your parents’ basement watching TV  while your mom came downstairs 1,800 times to check on her “laundry”…. “dating”) when I was 13 and he was 14. We were YOUNG and we were stupid to be quite honest. We went back and forth and back and forth and created a lot of scars, a lot of hurt, and a lot of history between us that wasn’t pretty and it carried over into our marriage.  Three years into our marriage and we were sooooo over it! We had went to counseling, we had read a few books, you know the drill… We had tried everything (or so we thought) and we separated. It was hard, it was awful, honestly one of the toughest parts of my life. And yet again we (or I) was still not over the “young and dumb” phase and created more hurt. By the grace of God we managed to get back together and even still, there was more hurt. Until one day, I fully turned it over to the Lord. In a moment, everything clicked and I realized just how empty my husband’s love tank was, and I was broken, because… y’all… I did that to him. I DID THAT! ME! I knew my love tank was running on fumes too, but God shifted something inside me and it became not about me, but about him. This man that I grew up with, the father to my child, the man that was once my best friend, who was more like a stranger at this point because of ME. For so long I had focused on the past hurt and I let it ruin the way I saw him. So I let it go, in that moment I said,  “Devil, STOP. You are no longer in control of this relationship. I am laying it all down, the past is gone and this relationship will NOT be yours.” So, as of that moment, I quit allowing myself to go back there and I started focusing on the present and the fact that (go back to #1) I am not number one. 

4. The Dry Erase Board.
I know, I know. What the heck could a dry erase board possibly do!? I am here to tell you, girl… It can save your marriage! 
When I started using this, it was during a period when my husband literally wouldn’t even talk to me. He had gotten to a point where he didn’t even try because he felt that every time he spoke, we fought. It was a coping thing for him I think, but I want you to know how bad things really were when I began this journey to becoming a better wife. I sat the dry erase board on our kitchen island (somewhere that he walked by every, single day) and I began writing on it twice a day. Once when he left for work and once when he got home from work. There was a different message from me every day. I wrote things like, “Thank you for taking the trash out,” “I love how you smile when you play with Cole” … some days when my human-ness would take over, I would sit and stare at that stinking dry erase board for 15 minutes, because I didn’t WANT to write anything nice, so I would pray. I prayed more in the first 60 days of doing this dry erase board thing than I ever have in my life. God always gave me the words to write. It was kind of cool to see Him work in me like that.  The first day, I didn’t even get a reaction out of my husband, I didn’t get anything the second day either, but on the third day he said, “Is this your new thing or something?” I told him that yes; in fact it was, because my new goal was to fill his love tank so full that it overflowed. He didn’t say much after that either. Two weeks in, and I walked into the house to see that he had erased what I had written and wrote back to me! My heart literally could have exploded. It was a break through and it was beautiful. You know, some times in marriage we have to be strong for our partner, because they can’t be, and that’s ok. Before this part of my life I would have read this and been like “ OH! Heck no, girl! You better not be like that for a man that doesn’t even care that you are trying! You shouldn’t have written him another day after that first day!” But, that is exactly what the devil wants, that isn’t God, that isn’t what we vowed the day we got married and finally I was able to really understand that and it was a beautiful revelation. 

ps. This is like what I used, yes if you click the link to purchase I may receive compensation from it, but ask my friends, I totally still have one of these sitting on my kitchen island. 

Click here to order


5. Write notes. 
It seems cliché, but in today’s world we have grown accustomed to not being one-on-one with people, and it spills over into our home life. If you have ever studied The Five Love Languages, then you seriously should. TOTAL GAME CHANGER in my marriage. Words of affirmation are a big thing for my hubs, as are gifts, acts of service, quality time and physical touch (yeah girl, I just said all five haha.) But sending him notes in his lunch hit a lot of them. I hate cooking, its not fun for me, I am bad at it, its just NOT my thing, but I started packing his lunch every night (he works third shift) and I always included a note with it. If we got into a fight, I still packed his lunch and wrote the note. Some times I thought it would kill me to do it, but it never killed me 😝. No matter what, do it anyways!


Ok, so that ended up being way longer than I thought it would be, but marriage is something that I feel very strongly about. Maybe it’s the fact that mine almost failed, maybe it’s the fact that I have grown so much as a person through it all, or maybe its because God’s purpose was to turn my mess into my message, whatever the case may be, I’m here to tell you, that it is NOT over. No matter what, your marriage can be saved, so don’t ever give up. I am here for you, so if you need me, reach out!


                                                                        Xoxo,
                                                                              Kinsey

Hay Mama.

Hay Mama.

Hey Mama. 💁🏼‍♀️

ABOUT US:
We are both mamas! 
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And we get it… life is hard. We also get that sometimes social media can portray an image of this perfect mom life mess… that is not real!! So we created Hott Mess Mamas to show the raw and real struggles of raising a business and babies.
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So, if you’re here, you might as well pull up a chair, get that super snuggly blanket and some coffee (or wine… or bottled water, whatevs, no judgement here, sister!) because we like to talk. 
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Ok, so that’s a lie. We LOVE to talk. 
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Do you know what we love more than that though? Our kids. Oh, and our hubbies… and definitely Jesus… girl, show some praise hands 🙌🏻because we LOVE to get our Jesus on. 
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Our passion in life is helping others tell their stories. We all have something that was freaking hard that we have overcome, because, dang it, we are warriors. We want to help you walk the path to realizing your worth and living life the way you should, as the best version of yourself, because honey, you are capable of greatness, so BELIEVE THAT! 👏🏼

About the Hott Mess Mamas:
Stephanie Small: I am a wife and one of the hott mess mamas!!! I love Jesus and give him all the glory for my success! I am obvi a mama!!! I have two beautiful children who quite frankly I am obsessed with. Grayson is 3 years old and Olivia is 17 months old. While I no longer pursue my career as a network marketing professional, I was extremely successful and reached the top 2 percent of the company in under two years. My goals and aspirations are to help others who have walked my walk and also to have more time with my family and bestie Kinsey of course. 😝

Kinsey Harris: I’m the mess part of the mamas, just kidding, some days I actually do my hair and makeup too. I am married to my middle school (yes, I said middle school) sweetheart and together we have Cole (3) and are adopting our baby girl any day now! I have grown a six figure boutique, I have worked super hard, along with my hubs, to bring our marriage back from absolutely failure and I have navigated the waters of infertility and I wouldn’t have accomplished ANY of it with some serious love from Jesus (can I get an Amen!?)I can’t wait to come along side of each one of you and help you discover your worth and how to become the best mom, wife, friend, and hustlin’ boss babe you can be… because after all, sister, you’re the daughter of THE King. 

LET’S CONNECT:
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Email: hottmessmamas@gmail.com
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